Describing it as “an insult”, Victor Valdes revealed today he has been forced by manager Louis van Gaal to train with embryonic life forms that may or may not one day become humans that play for Manchester United.
Valdes has been at the centre of a much publicised falling out with the Dutchman since the beginning of the season and was initially forced to train with the club’s under 21 team.
The goalkeeper then had his personal locker removed from the dressing room, only to be informed last week that he would be forced to train with a group of week old embryos barely capable of movement, something he believes to be unacceptable.
“This has nothing to do with the embryos,” said the former Barcelona keeper. “I have a lot of respect for what they do. Life, especially at the beginning, is very difficult. But I know I’m capable of playing at a higher, more cerebral level.”
The majority of his current training companions are said to be in a stage of embryogenesis, do not have organs or limbs yet and are yet to develop the capacity to form thoughts, something Valdes feels is jeopardising his career.
“When I arrive everyday I find it difficult to motivate myself. These guys are just bobbing around in fluid, all connective tissue and tiny veins, it’s not conducive to top level training,” said the 20 time capped Spaniard, adding that the promising multicellular diploid eukaryotes may take years to develop into human footballers.
At press time, Valdes was disparaged by reports that van Gaal was considering forcing him to train within the confines of his own imagination.